


Tea Party

by Dabethan



Series: Dabethan Cinematic Universe [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Also some mean names, The other speaking roles in Dabethan are mentioned very very briefly, There is mention of Dirk's suicidal tendencies and a gross analogy of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 22:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21169238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabethan/pseuds/Dabethan
Summary: June solves The Most Important Mystery of Our Time.





	Tea Party

DIRK: Dude, it's been weeks. Just admit you fucking lied about your name.

Truthfully, tea at Rose's house is normally quite Volatile, but it's been nearly a month since the trial for The Most Important Mystery of Our Time and Dave still won't shut the fuck up about it. The kids are crowded onto Rose's couch and various chairs, all a rich shade of brown leather, while Terezi, Roxy, and June sit on the floor. 

Though invited, Vriska, Karkat, Calliope, and Kanaya managed to find conflicts that prevented them from attending. Some excuses had been more respectable (Kanaya's, Calliope's), and one had been rather unlikely (Vriska is apparently "attending another tea party"). Karkat just said no.

This is just as well. This event is typically filled with arguing and circular stupidity. The only reason Jane is even allowed in Rose's house is due to Roxy's insistence. He is quite persuasive.

JADE: dude its been weeks. stop arguing about it!!!  
ROXY: ok for realz now  
ROXY: this has been going on long enough no one gives a shit about whether dabeys name is dabethan  
DAVE: i do because it is  
ROSE: And because you love to beat dead horses.  
DIRK: I really wish he didn't.  
DAVE: sure sure ill keep that in mind next time you ask me for a quick execution sesh  
DAVE: like youre going to the fucking nail salon  
DAVE: oh yeah ill take a dirk strider suicide ideation special  
DAVE: do you have orange opi or do i have to look through the wet n wilds like a chump  
JADE: uh yikes dave :(  
DAVE: yeah yikes  
DIRK: Mine might be more fucked up, but you seriously won't shut the fuck up.  
DIRK: This is the fifth time today you referenced "the Dabethan Case."  
DAVE: just wait till we get to a hundred im gonna hand out free xboxes

It's amazing how everyone manages to keep a straight face at that line. Spending seven years around each other has some drawbacks.

DIRK: I'm just really sick of your stupid name shit, ok?  
ROSE: That's really bold of you Dirk, seeing as how your name is actually Theodoric.  
DIRK: Ha ha ha. Whatever.  
ROSE: No really, didn't you know that? Dirk is a nickname short for the name Theodoric.  
DIRK: What?  
ROXY: haha rlly  
ROSE: I promise you. The internet never lies.  
DIRK: Fuck off Rose.

Jake lightly drums on his Earl Grey with his fingers. Everyone brought their own cups, and Jake's is gold and covered in jewels. It's very heavy.

JAKE: That does sort of make sense though!  
JAKE: How do we know you really arent named theodoric dirk?  
DIRK: Hmm! Maybe because it, I don't know, isn't on my fucking name plaque? The one we get when we're thirteen and finally named?  
DAVE: how do we know it isnt on your nameplate  
TEREZI: Y34H, HOW DO W3 KNOW TH3ODOR1C?  
DIRK: That's not my name. And I know because I was fucking there? I was the one who was named? Jane, Roxy, and Jake all saw it in my apartment when they visited my planet?  
ROXY: we didnt actually read your plate tho we were doin other stuff  
JAKE: Yeah who knows what it said! Maybe it says theodoric strider!  
DIRK: It doesn't.  
JANE: Well it doesn't matter much, I mean we can just go get it.  
DIRK: If that helps you guys sleep at night.

Terezi stops chewing on a plastic saucer and narrows her eyes.

TEREZI: WH4T 1F YOU CH4NG3 1T TO D1RK STR1D3R WH3N W3 4R3N'T LOOK1NG  
DIRK: I don't have to fucking do that, seeing as how that's my actual god damn name.  
JADE: see but you could still change it!!  
DIRK: I'm not going to change it!  
DIRK: This is incredibly stupid.  
JUNE: what if i go get it?  
JUNE: i can teleport to the day you were named and swipe it. then put it back!  
JADE: oh yeah that works!!  
DIRK: Oh sure, June's really reliable a person to not fuck with any of us.  
ROXY: yep!!!  
ROXY: go get em juney!!!  
JUNE: ok be right back!!!

June disappears and reappears, handing Dirk his plaque. It says "Dirk Strider".

DIRK: I don't even have anything witty to say, this outcome was so obvious. My name is Dirk Strider, and there's really nothing else to say on the matter.

Except the name is...peeling off???

The top of the plaque, which is a sticker, peels off to reveal the words "Theodoric Chad Strider," and Roxy gasps.

ROXY: oh shit thats way better than i expected!!!  
ROXY: fuck!!!  
ROXY: THEODORIC CHAD  
DIRK: What the fuck.  
DIRK: No-  
JUNE: i'm sorry dirk it looks like that's your name!!!  
DIRK: Bullshit. It wasn't on the plaque when I was 13. You obviously went out of your way to make a fake plaque for some fucked up reason.  
ROSE: But that would take a significant amount of effort, and you have to admit dear father: Dave would have named you something to the effect of Theodoric Chad Strider.  
ROSE: For the sake of teh ironeez, at the very least.  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK:  
DIRK: Oh my god, he really would.  
TEREZI: H3Y H3R3'S 4N 1D34  
TEREZI: HOW 4BOUT JUN3 GO3S B4CK 4ND G3TS D4V3'S PL4QU3  
TEREZI: 4ND 4LSO 3V3RYON3 3LS3'S  
TEREZI: S33 WH4T OTH3R W31RD CR4P YOU GUYS 4R3 N4M3D  
TEREZI: 4ND SOLV3 TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT MYST3RY OR OUR T1M3  
ROSE: Oh, yes please.  
DAVE: uh  
JUNE: you think dabethan is the most important mystery of our time???  
JUNE: what ever it's fine.  
JUNE: i'll be right back.

In a literal flash, June is back with more plaques.

JUNE: i don't really get why i still had to do this?  
TEREZI: TH1S L34V3S L3SS ROOM FOR T4MP3R1NG  
TEREZI: 4NY OF YOU COULD R3TR13V3 TH3M 4ND 4LT3R TH3M B3FOR3 SHOW1NG TH3M TO TH3 R3ST OF TH3 GROUP  
JUNE: if you say so.

She dumps the plaques on the intricate and colorful carpet in the middle of Rose and Kanaya's living room and the other humans scramble to grab the one that has their name.

ROXY: ok peel them off 1 at a time lets take a look at these bad boys  
ROXY: ill go first omg im so FUCKING hyped

Roxy yanks the slick sticker paper off of his plaque like a present on his birthday, to reveal the name…"Little Star Lalonde".

ROXY: huh ok well thats not ackshully that funny but ok i guess  
JAKE: Why am i named banoodle???  
ROXY: WERSHKFGD BANOODLE

Jake's plaque says "Banoodle." No last or middle name.

DAVE: good old grandma english loved her banoodles i guess  
DAVE: whatever the fuck that is  
DIRK: Did they even have banoodles back then?  
JANE: I don't think so???  
JADE: literally what is a banoodle???  
JAKE: I think ive heard of a banoodle???  
TEREZI: W1LL SOM3ON3 3LS3 LOOK 4T TH31R PL4QU3? 1 W4NN4 KNOW WH4T 3LS3 W3 H4V3  
JANE: Okay fine!  
JANE: I want to go next. Get this silly business over with.

Jane rips off the name Jane Crocker like a very painful skin scraping bandaid. Her plaque says "Damn It Crocker."

JANE: HEY!  
JUNE: well.  
JANE: What the hell!!!  
ROXY: uh  
ROXY: maybe its not supposed to be mean like  
JANE: HOW IS THIS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MEAN???  
DAVE: it could be like a pun on janet  
JANE: …  
DAVE: dammit janet  
DAVE: like rocky horror  
JANE: Well it isn't funny.  
DIRK: Agreed. Kind of cruel.  
JANE: And I've never seen Rocky Horror.  
DIRK: Whoa what? Seriously?  
JUNE: well not all the names will be winners, i guess!  
DIRK: What's that supposed to mean?  
JUNE: nothing!!!  
JADE: my turn!!

Dirk keeps staring at June, while Jade unveils the name "Jadethan Harley".

JADE: :0!!!!!  
DAVE: oh my god jade that is incredible  
ROXY: jadethan  
ROSE: Of course. The long form of Jade.  
JADE: im learning so much today!!  
TEREZI: TH3 MOR3 YOU KNOW  
ROSE: I would like to go next. That will leave Dave's plaque last, since June didn't bring back her own, and I think we'll be most interested in what our sweet Dabethan is truly named.  
DAVE: …  
ROXY: go ahead rosie lets see what sorta amazing fuckin truths you lay on us today  
ROXY: a name truly belrehefts of your station  
DAVE: haha belsuet  
ROXY: bskfhrl  
DAVE: labdoehrlr  
JUNE: how are you saying that with your mouths?  
JAKE: Beirutakdj.

Rose very elegantly and saucily strips the sticker off, showcasing the name "That Bitch Lalonde."

ROXY: ok hey now thats clearly my name  
ROSE: Too late. It turns out it was me who was That Bitch all along.  
JADE: howre you gonna be that bitch when rose is already here  
ROXY: UGH yeah youre right  
ROXY: took a dna test for nothin  
ROXY: lyin bastards  
JUNE: what the hell does that have to do with anything.  
ROXY: nvm babey ur too 2009 to understand  
ROSE: I'm going to hang this on our door. I think I have a legal obligation to do so.  
TEREZI: YOU DO

Everyone pointedly stares at Dave. He starts to sweat. Great. Moment of truth. He slowly peels the sticker off to reveal…

TEREZI: 4H4!  
DAVE: …  
ROSE: Oh Dave.

The plaque says Dave Strider.

DAVE: well  
DAVE: at least karkat isnt here  
TEREZI: 1'M SN4PP1NG H1M R1GHT NOW  
DAVE: thanks terezi  
DIRK: Well this was really fun.  
DIRK: Not.  
DIRK: But our favorite protagonist seems to have forgotten her own plaque.  
DIRK: And honestly? If we're all going to have dumbfuck names then she should get one too.  
JUNE: uh.  
DIRK: Why don't you go get your plaque, Egbert?  
JUNE: maybe i don't want to! maybe i'm fine not knowing my own stupid name.  
DAVE: or maybe you sabotaged ours as a prank to make us look like liars who may or may not owe their boyfriends money after an elaborate prank and bet that went a bit haywire and everyone but especially me sort of regrets  
DAVE: which will inevitably end with me going home and being ridiculed out of my god damn mind because he finally got proof and thus bragging rights  
JUNE: wow, dave.  
DAVE: sorry dude im a bit stressed from this revelation  
DAVE: i shouldnt take it out on you  
DAVE: even though you totally fucking did that and completely screwed me over

The group's most gracious host gives an amused smile at June, in a way that's almost soft.

ROSE: You should just go get your plaque, June. You can give yourself a stupid name. It'll be funny.  
JADE: we also might forgive you for giving us all dumb names  
DIRK: I won't.  
JANE: I won't!  
JAKE: I dunno banoodle is pretty flip fuckin hilarious im not really chuffed about that one.  
DAVE: jade if my plaques right then you might owe karkat lunch  
JADE: WHAT  
JADE: i take it back!!! tear that bitch apart!!!  
TEREZI: W41T  
TEREZI: WH4T 1F SH3 JUST GO3S 4ND N4M3S H3RS3LF SOM3TH1NG R34SON4BL3  
JANE: That wouldn't be fair!  
JUNE: too late!  
JANE: June!!

And she's gone. Not even a second later, she suddenly arrives holding her own plaque

JUNE: oh noooooo! it looks like i forgot to give myself a stupid na-  
JADE: zoosmell pooplord??  
JUNE: what!!!

June's plaque says Zoosmell Pooplord. There isn't even a sticker. It just says Zoosmell Pooplord.

JUNE: what!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: damn june you didnt need to go that hard  
DAVE: now i feel kinda bad  
JUNE: i didn't do this one!!!  
DIRK: So you admit to having fucked with the rest our plaques.  
JUNE: yeah, obviously!  
DAVE: SEE MY NAME IS DABETHAN  
TEREZI: 1T 1S NOT, LM4O  
JUNE: jesus christ dave, no one actually cares!  
ROSE: I do. This was strangely amusing.  
ROSE: Maybe we should talk about some of your name choices, June?  
ROSE: For instance, you named yourself "Pooplord", and Jane is "Damn It", but Roxy gets "Little Star?"  
ROXY: yea what the fuck why didnt i get a funny name  
TEREZI: W3 4LL KNOW WHY  
JUNE: guys really i didn't name my self zoo smell poop lord!!! that's so gross why would i do that to myself!!!  
JADE: didnt you write insults at yourself on your walls as a kid  
JUNE: in my sleep!!! i seriously was just gonna get my own name plate what the fuck is this!  
JAKE: Well you know what this means.  
DAVE: june fucked us over but especially me for like no reason  
JAKE: Junes actually named zoosmell pooplord.  
JUNE: what? no!  
TEREZI: WH4T OTH3R 3XPL4N4T1ON 1S TH3R3, JUN3

Meanwhile, somewhere else on Earth C, an elderly blue ghost lady holds her granddaughter's original name plaque and Hoos. Her prank 10 years in the making has finally come to fruition.

NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!

**Author's Note:**

> I have never seen or listened to Rocky Horror Picture Show.


End file.
